Why am I doing this?
Well, for one, being mixed race is very difficult, especially when you’re younger and have no real resources. The self-hatred can be very difficult to manage, especially if your parents are complicit in white supremacy. They may be even without knowing it. Sex is very much about power in our society. The fact that some 40% of Asian women demand to marry white men is indicative of the fact that being Asian must be…. undesirable.
Secondly, something doesn’t really sit right with me, when a person marries on the principle of race. If a woman seeks out a white man – and only a white man – like my mother sought out my father, tall, blue eyed and white, I think that needs to be addressed, especially because it means that I myself have to bear the brunt of the political implications of this.
I want to be comfortable with who I am. I was not, until I started writing here. I still remember going a decade trying to hide my heritage in order to be accepted. The reason for this was partly because Asian American women themselves seemed to create such a hostile, anti-Asian environment.
So, I’ve decided to spill the beans on my parents and I’m not going to stop.
Keep in mind I was born in the 80’s, during a time period where it was common for white men to be seen as “most desirable” for social and economic reasons.
Am I Against Race Mixing?
No. I in fact have been in mixed relationships with every race of woman. I have always thought it curious that mixed race relationships are so aligned in one direction. One would think that for true equality to be achieved there would have to be an equal number in both directions. I quickly learned, however, after I was disqualified for my race by none other than Asian women (whom I love very much) that things are not all good.
Why “Longing For Death”?
When I started writing, I essentially wanted to die. The blog was to be my suicide note. I simply was unable to deal with being mixed race, and Asian, in a society that is very anti-Asian, with nobody to help me. I’ve since moved on, but I don’t want to change the title as a memory to the kind of pain I underwent, so that I can help others understand why Eurasians or other mixed race people may seem strange to others.
Am I a Hypocrite?
How? By celebrating Asian men with White women? The pairing that is outnumbered by five to one, compared to White men and Asian women, and is largely reactionary to Asian women rejecting Asian men?
Since I was young I always knew I would marry an Asian woman. It was on realizing that many of them would rather have had a white man than even a Eurasian did I recognize that being Hapa is nothing but a paradox from whence this is no escape.