I think this could be relevant to anyone interested. I deeply regret becoming a White supremacist and a Nazi, despite having an Asian mother, yet this is incredibly common among the children of White racist men who seek out Asian women as a validation for whiteness – and Asian women who push their children to identify as White.
I challenge anyone on this planet to provide a simple explanation as to why a half Asian guy who looks and identifies as Asian (because most non-Asians will always, always point out the Asian in you), would be proud to identify as an Asian male – when almost 100% of the time, the father is White, and the mother is Asian.
Being proud would require a complete inversal of all potential logic. There is no reason to be proud of your mother’s heritage when she truly believed that Whites were superior to her – White women do not want to create Half Asian babies, meaning that White men and white society is good enough to keep white women on the plantation. Not Asian women though.
Asian people have a massive inferiority complex about their appearance relative to everyone else due to their facial features – undefined, and undesired by the majority population, so Asian women will submit themselves to very racist, unattractive white men who take advantage of their ingrained self hatred.
Essentially, being Asian is so bad – it subjects an individual to such harsh racism – that even the worst white male, a racist, undesirable, unattractive and rejected White male – is a better pick. Because Asian women provide a “service” to lonely white men – i.e., cure their loneliness – they feel more integrated and get a chance to avoid the crippling Asian stereotypes and harsh realities of being Asian in a hyper aggressive Western world;
but then their sons come out look 110% Asian and are even more self hating than their mothers, being subjected by both of their parents as well as society to the idea that:
being Asian is bad.
Sure there are Hapas who “do well,” but how many Hapa men do you know who just wind up marrying Asian women because White women reject them?
This is the direct result of having a Chinese mother who wanted to integrate into the US and was adamant about her hatred of anything Asian. For a long time I considered my mother to be “white”, as she had altered her appearance so extensively that in my vague memory of her – I never considered her an Asian woman, and only yesterday (yes, that yesterday) was I able to look in the mirror and see an Asian guy looking back, and be able to not revert into an immediate panic. This was also the result of being surrounded – yes, surrounded, as five out of six of the Asian women in my family were married exclusively to White – not Indian, black, Latino – but White, men, and I internalized this through my entire childhood.
Most half Asian men are raised in a world where Asian is synonymous with unattractive, and Asian women outmarry at rates higher than anyone else combined, so it only becomes natural that Half Asian men develop extremely racist, self-hating views where they pride themselves on being White, rather than Asian, because we have White fathers. The vast majority of Hapas do the same, and whether or not they admit they are racist, they still practice an extreme form of narcissism – using their own “looks” (which seldom are true) as a cover for their own fear of being seen as Asian. Essentially, the “hype” behind Half Asianness is merely a result of a tremendous desire to avoid being seen as Asian – which is the one race which everyone feels the right to ostracize and treat with utter contempt.
Other Half Asian men become more and more white worshipping, aggressively chasing White women in an attempt to prove that they are indeed better than White men, and also because they are repulsed by the low standards of Asian women. I have moments where I feel such a desire for white women as a way to just express a total and utter disassociation with WMAF, due to my unconscious disgust with it – in other words, the more I can find love in the arms of a White woman,
From a “cute” little Half Asian boy with light features, my hair and my features gradually grew more Asian, and I was wholly unprepared for racism, especially considering that much of this racism came from White men and Asian women themselves; having a racist white father and a Chinese mother who played favorites on her children (white was better and had more freedom; Asian looking – my brother – Tiger Mommed and treated different) – genuinely screwed me up.
Watch this before reading this post.
They realize that Asian women produce sons who look like this:
These are some of the things that I, as a Eurasian did. Self-hatred, as an Asian person, is only natural, because Asians are unique compared to the rest of humanity in that they ardently dislike their appearance and attempt to base themselves on the appearance of whites – something that is impossible because of the vastly different coloring, skin texture and facial bones, as well as the proportions and texture of the body. Given that Asian women are unique among women of all races in that they outmarry at rates that are unmatched by anyone -black, white, Indian and Spanish, Asian women deliberately send the message that Whiteness and White men are better goals and that people of color – especially Asians, are beneath them, and so Asian women will literally join in in bashing Asian males – including Half Asian males – in order to more properly integrate and prove their “beauty” – which in fact is not beauty, but merely a fetish held by a minority of White men that are unable to secure a white partner.
- I denied I was Asian for almost ten years and identified as Italian or Russian.
- I cut my hair very short to retain its light color, up until two years ago; my hair becomes more brown when short, very, very dark at longer lengths and when wet
- I would avoid looking at myself in the mirror after taking a shower because my hair would become black, and stand up straight, and strong, and bring out my Asian features
- I did not look in the mirror for a three year period between 2012 and 2015
- Gained sixty pounds in a summer to look less Asian – lost seventy pounds in one summer three years later, to again, look less Asian, based on different comments I was receiving at the time
- I used to believe my mother gave birth via immaculate conception or divine intervention and that God ordained me to be white to fulfill a plan for divinated white supremacy
- I would fantasize about using a razor blade to cut and deepen my eyes
- I believe God had chosen me for my looks and I bought lottery tickets expecting to win, like Rodger.
- I would vomit profusely after developing body dysmorphia as an attempt to cover up my Asian appearance; my vomit was colored unusually due to the large amount of supplements I was taking to maintain a weight that I thought would cover my Asian appearance
- Plagued by nightmares for twenty five years about my mother crashing our car into a body of water before drowning. Dreams have ceased since writing this blog.
- I screamed at an AMWW couple out of anger, after seeing one in a bar, again, like Rodger.
- I would smack an Asian student in the face in an attempt to dominate him, out of insecurity
- I made fun of a popular Asian student at my school anonymously and hurt his reputation to cover my own insecurity
- I would sing fake Chinese songs in an attempt to impress my friends
- I would write long winded emails to my father about how I though blue eyed and blond haired people were angels – after which he never bothered correcting me
- I posted profusely on very hardcore Neo Nazi forums
- I was a prolific author of insanely racist Neo Nazi cartoons
- I had befriended a violent neo Nazi who went over my Facebook and criticized me for having too many friends of color and too many Asian female friends – my cousins.
- On seeing a photograph where I looked Asian, I would immediately delete it and go into a dark depression
- I never looked at photographs of my parents – either because I was ashamed of the fact that I was half Asian, or because WMAF made me subconsciously uncomfortable (likely the latter)
- To this day I have not taken a photo since 2012 out of fear of looking too Asian.
More if I can remember. My fear is my pain will eventually dissipate and I’ll forget. I need to continue triggering myself to the point that I can effectively keep producing material that will help people.