Knowing my mother was one of those just looking for a white guy, as just not any white guy, but a tall one. I made no mistake marrying the woman I did because she is wonderful and moral. Our children will suffer in this world. There are too many people, many of then bad and corrupt. I don’t know what to do. I don’t quite understand people who fear death. Why fear death? What better release is there than death? What better way to be free? I have had a happy life. If I go back west I could never find love there. It is just as corrupt. Everything is corrupt. The worst thing my father taught me was to think that god was in control. The very system in which women operate is against the very tenets of god; in fact I’d go so far as to say that god was created as a means to grapple with this. Sure I could find other women. I hate how women view me just for my skin color. I learned humility. I don’t want to, I want to believe in god. Fuck this world. Even if you win it’s at the expense of other people. It’s one half against the other, my white against asian, tall against short, etc., etc, not happy. I don’t think I ever will be. What is this life? Where are we going as a human people? Merely evolving?